My Bowl of Soup

Since my friends said that my personality often changeable into two contrast personality in a few occasions, it makes me thought I have an alter ego. Alter ego is term refers to somebody who has second alternative personality. In other word they have two different personality who can changeable in a few occasion. For example, somebody is renowned as humble and gentle person, but in another occasion, they change as cold-hearted and rude person. Simple explanation is like that. But, honestly I don’t know the deep explanation about it. Because my source of that term is from online dictionary.

Beside my explanation true or not, I just wanna say that I have two different personalities which sometimes I don’t realize if I was in that condition. I couldn’t explain how my personalities is. But, if you had read my previous post which told about my own self, maybe you will understand that I have complex personality which came from my complex thoughts. You know that human’s thought often gave the effect to their behavior.

Honestly, I am confused about my self and try to figure out about my personality. Because these different side of me makes everyone view me as abnormal or weird, which make me difficult to socialize. And talk about alter ego, it reminds me with Akashi Seijuro, a fictional character of anime, who describe as an alter ego man. In normal situation, he has well-mannered, calm and humble person, while when he was changing in his alter ego, he has authoritarian, bossy and rude sides. One of reason why Akashi switch to his alter ego side, because he has many pressures and his fear to lost something. If in case of me, I still don’t understand about the reason. But my prediction is come to my complex thought, and maybe some pressures too. Maybe, albeit I have two different personalities, it doesn’t really matter for me. As long as I don’t do any crime behavior, and I still helpful to everyone, I am proud of my self (although somebody couldn’t accept it and see me as weird person).

I just watched OVA of anime Re Life, which told about someone who had been given second chance to back in 10 years past of his life. Actually, his age still on the present, but his face would look younger 10 years than his actual age, which is he can be in teenagers environment. Re Life itself is an experiment from pharmacy company, which aimed to decrease unemployment person in Japan. Okay remember that these is just fiction story from anime.

After I watched that anime, sometimes I thought that I could back to my past life just to improve my life. It doesn’t mean I regret with my current life. But, there were a few mistakes that I have done in the past and I want to fixed it. Sometimes I feel like that I am not capable to make my parent happy yet. Also I feel like I have wasted my time for every occasion and couldn’t utilize my time well. Honestly, that is my biggest regret.

Okay, I think that was impossible. So all I can do is I try to utilize my time by making planner everyday and making targets for everyday. I also learn to not regretting about what have happened. Because regretting something just make you sad without action. And, when talk about anime Re Life, there were lesson that I can take that is: Enjoy your current time, utilize it and never regret it.

Today I didn’t do any productive activity, because my body not in the good condition, since lately I often sleep just for 3 hours per day.  I think this is an alarm for my self, that I should take a rest. Yeah, lately I do my thesis for hours, and then I should be practicing with my band, which is this practice often spend many hours (for about 6-7 hours).

Because I am sick, and need to take a rest, I spent my day today by sleeping all day. And I just make an instant porridge for eating, because I couldn’t eat normal foods yet. Also, I just take a bath once today, when normally I take a bath always twice a day. These activity make me lazy to do anything, so I couldn’t be productive today. You know, when you are not in the good condition, you couldn’t doing anything although you want to do. Because, your head is dizzy and your body on the high temperature make you faint. But, even though I am sick, I keep make a post on this blog because I wanna make my brain keep productive.

I am not a type of person who likes watch movie like everybody does. And it makes me couldn’t recognize some actors/actress who became characters on the movie. Albeit I said that I am not really enjoy watching movies, it doesn’t mean I never watch it . In fact I have watched several movie like Pride and Prejudice and School of Rock, also I watched several biographical movie. Actually, I prefer on reading than watching movie. But when it comes about anime, indeed has different.

Although I couldn’t enjoy movie, I highly interested on anime. Maybe it caused by when I was child, I often watching anime as my entertainment ( I seldom playing outside with my same age friends). At that moment, my favorite anime is Doraemon, Tamiya and Detective Conan. Until now, I still listening Tamiya soundtrack because it’s one of my favorite song to burst my energy.

Back to this moment, currently I often spent my free time to watch anime instead go out to cozy place with my friends. Although I spent my free time to watch anime, it doesn’t mean I never socialization. Sometimes I also have activity on my band, and I use it as medium to socialization. I just thinking that anime is the best for my entertainment now, rather than I should go outside without having purpose. And my current favorite genre is action and comedy. Ansatsu Kyoushitsu, Shingeki no Kyojin, Kuroko no Basuke and Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei are my favorite and I often re-watch it, although they could mention as old anime (compare the newest one).

Beside I like anime so much, I also have interested with Japan Cultures. Maybe Japan is the country that I should visit someday. In my view, Japan is disciplined and has work-harder. Also, Japan could hold their traditional culture in the middle of this modern era. Moreover, Japan outstanding as country who has highly technology development. And I watch anime for knowing how Japan is it in the view of Japanese itself (who made manga and anime).

Today is Valentine’s Day, many people especially who has “someone special” will celebrate it by giving that someone chocolate or red rose. But for me, nothing special about this day. Because, I am the type of person who won’t show my romance feeling to person that I admired. And If I want to do, I prefer to gave him affection by helping him for something that he can’t do. But mostly, I often stalk him and didn’t do anything to show my feeling.

Talk about romance feeling, actually I don’t really give attention for it, because it’s not my first priority, beside I seldom feel about romance feeling it self. Sometimes. I feel confused with myself because I feel like my heart is cold for romance things. For example, if I have special feeling to a man, I just stalk him and if I know that he has special feeling to another woman, I don’t feel broken heart either. And I can decide to stop admire him without drama etc. Yeah, my friends call me as cold-heart ed person in romance life. And I don’t mind with that epithet.

Albeit I don’t pay attention for romance feeling, and I also I never in relationship before, my friends often told me about their romance story. Maybe because I am an introvert and silent person, so they have assumption that I am a good listener and wouldn’t tell their story to others :). But lately, I try to refuse if they want to share their story because sometimes their story make my brain overthinking, especially if their story is about their problems. Beside I don’t have experience about romance relationship yet, I also don’t want wasting my time to take care of someone’s problem, because I have my own. Okay, maybe I just write about these, because I don’t have interesting topic about feeling. And, Happy Valentine’s Day for who celebrate it.

I don’t know what I should write here, cause my mind was buzzing for several topics. As an introvert with dominant Ni, my brain couldn’t stop for thinking about causation of phenomena. I can say that I have very good intuitive, I said it not because I am over confident, but in fact it’s true. My prediction about what will happen, almost happen in real life. So, how I can do that? Honestly, I don’t know. But, before I decide my prediction, I often make correlation between one phenomena to another one. I often thinking about possibilities of one phenomena, include what happen before and what happen then. That’s why, I mentioned that my mind often buzzing for unimportant things. Albeit sometimes, I need to understand why my mind often like this.

On the previous paragraph, I said that I have dominant Ni (Introverted Intuitive), if you don’t know what Ni is it, you can’t google it, because I can’t explain it in this post (too long, and I can’t guarantee if you will understand about my explanation). Some sites explain that people who have dominant Ni often doing conversation with themselves, I mean in their head, they often do conversation to explore something that they confused. That’s why, their head always buzzing because there are pros cons in their own world. And then, people with dominant Ni often doing observation and analysis their surround environment to predict what will happen then. Okay, maybe I have mistakes in this explanations, so pardon me.

If you ever heard about MBTI in Psychology, maybe you will understand about what I said before. Because Ni is one of cognitive function from MBTI (maybe? cause in MBTI I often found explanation about Ni and another cognitive function). And people who have dominant Ni, they will include as INTJ or INFJ type in MBTI. And mine maybe is INFJ, although my friend see me as INTJ.  Actually, I don’t care about my type (between INTJ or INFJ), albeit I believe about my dominant function (Ni). Cause between INTJ and INFJ, both of them didn’t describe me 100%, just 60% -70%. So I just believe that I am an introvert with buzzing minds in her head. Thank you!

I often heard proverb, ” Manner Maketh Man”, which came from movie’s dialog. For the first time, I confused about it senses, especially I didn’t know what is “maketh” word. So, I was looking for about the meaning and found it as dialog movie. “Manners Maketh Man” itself has meaning that manners would make us as human, without them we couldn’t mention as human. Which means manners are essentials for our daily life, because it has correlations with our society. As we know that as human, we need others and vice versa.

Manners for me are something that really important, and my parents raise me up strict enough in manners thing. For example, how we make a conversation with person who older than us, how to get dressed properly or how to deal with “toxic” people. And until now, albeit I am in different place with my parents, I try to keep up about manners  lesson from them. I realize that our manners have influences to what other people would do to us. If we have good manners, normal people would do the same as our manners.

Talk about manners, I have fiction character for my role model to keep up my good manners, that is Akashi Seijuro. He is anime character who grew up from wealthy family and he also multi talents, okay ignore the last statements. Why I love Akashi Seijuro manners? Because I love the way he kept calm in every situations and he also has good demeanor when he talked to person he dislike. I mean, he can put himself very well in every situation and in every people he deal with. Because it hard for me to keep calm when I deal with problems. Of course it has correlation with manners. That’s why I like him as role model.  In addition, I also have another fiction character favorite, that is Darcy from Pride and Prejudice book. Thank you for whoever read this post, hehe.

In the midnight, at this very moment when rainy outside, I couldn’t sleep because I have slept for 4 hours before 8 p.m. So, I decided to write about my random thoughts in this blog. While I write this post, I am listening several Japanese songs to broke the silence between midnight, rain and me, hey I don’t know how to describe it.  Okay, as the title of this post about “other sides”, I wanna write about the difference between personality of many people in every social media. Don’t you think that what people do in Instagram also they do in Twitter or real life? Maybe all of us realize it, when people more show off in Instagram or they looked cool in Instagram, but when we met them in real life they’re a funnyman, or when we follow them on their Twitter they often share their lamentation. Yeah, those are called other side. People always try to adjust what they do based on what they deal with. We should be realize that each people have random feeling, and often wanna share it but they’re afraid to be judged by other people. And maybe they using social media and adjust it based on whom they interact in social media. I think those are genuineness as human., so don’t judge them when we found another personality of them in another space or social media.

That’s all my opinion. I just wanna write my random thoughts, so pardon me if we have different insight.

I realize that many people has their own uniqueness. I mean they have peculiarity that other haven’t. We were born in our special packages, maybe some of you are gifted by your talent, or your shrewdness, or having beautiful/handsome face, etc. But, many of us always see that another people more lucky than us, and then we insecure about ourselves. Sometimes we didn’t know what they were thinking about themselves, we just see them as lucky person like “Ah, she is pretty and it many people like her while I vice versa” or “Ah, he is so clever and I just foolish” and whatever. In fact, what we see about their gift or marvel, it also make them feel burdened. So, why are we envy with other’s? See yours, you are special with your own way. Although you feel like you are not clever or beautiful or whatever, actually you have another gift. Your kindness, your ability to understand other, or you have talent that other haven’t like you can sewing, cooking, make a poet, and etc. Don’t be insecure by other’s gift, you have too, although you are not realize it yet.

Okay, last night I couldn’t sleep without any reason. So, I spent my entire night by scrolling my social media in my phone (Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest) and watched my favorite anime on my laptop. And, when the dawn has come, I took a bath because I need refresh my mind before praying subuh, heuh. After that, I watched anime again to keep on my eyes because I have some to do list for this morning. However, my attention was enchanted by sounds of small rainy outside. Yea, I love rainy day in the morning vibes, cause it reminds me with my childhood and hometown (homesick detected). Besides that, the sounds of the rainfall (especially in the morning) always give me inspiration and boosting my mood to explore theories which buzzing in my mind. To complete my activities in this rainy morning, I make my own cup of tea for warming up my mental, which is I chose Vanilla tea for this morning. Maybe, I just tell this story, because I don’t know what I should  tell here.